Volume 6 – The Daedric Labours
Chapter #310 – El Diablo (9) : Completely Insane!
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“If I can only tear your inside out without your cursed Fate acting up.”
“Lucky me then.”
“HA! Curses, me, a Daedric Prince, cursing… Is the world going mad? Wait! I am the Mad God, why wouldn’t it go mad… Everything is going well then.”
“Hey, I want my friend realized from that El Diablo thing.”
“Oh! Your friend is El Diablo? That’s a joyous occasion, worthy of celebration, birds chirping, people dancing, music ringing and then… blood, guts, limbs everywhere! No can do, my Mortal friend. Your friend is free from mortal burdens now, be happy for him.”
“He still has to get married though.”
“Married? MARRIED! You want him off the festival to get him MARRIED? Are you his friend or his nemesis?”
“Yes, we are already late because of you.”
“Aaah! Which one of us is a madman?… Oh, that’s me! Then which one of us is an Evil Daedric Prince?… Wait, that’s also me… And you want your friend married?… I mean, I know dismembering ways less painful than marriage.”
Sheogorath kept going on and on of how horrible marriage is. I was having a troublesome time making a Mad God shut up.
“Will I get him or not?”
“No no no.” Sheogorath shook his head, “He doesn’t have to do something that boring like marriage… How horrible! Getting married! Growing old! Losing money! Losing appearance! Getting cheated on! Losing half what he owns after divorcing her for cheating! And the list goes on… Do you know why there are so many mad people in the isle?”
“WRONG! Happiness! What do you think the isles are? An after marriage rehab center… Even though it would make great business teaching all those divorced people how to turn into homicidal maniacs. Oh! I have a great idea, I should give classes on how to flay people alive and dismember them, the College of Cloudrest would be a wonderful place to kick off.”
“I’ll attend the first lecture if you give my friend back.”
“Sheesh, your friend is a madman, you know that?”
“You can unmad him for me.”
“You want me to do WHAT?! I’m the Daedric Prince of Madness! I don’t make people sane! I’d have to be crazy to do that! And I am crazy. So I’ll do it!”
“I am glad we are on the same page.”
“Don’t be too hasty, mortal. There are still many many things we need to do first.” Sheogorath said as he played with his staff around. “First off, you need to find the way out of here first. Good luck with that.”
“What is the catch?”
“Ohaha! I do love it when mortals know they’re being manipulated, makes things infinitely more interesting. Take a look around, do you know where we are?”
“Haha! Welcome to the deceptively verdant mind of Emperor Pelagius Septim III. That’s right! You’re in the head of a dead, homicidally insane monarch. Wahahaha!”
“A ‘Mind Realm’? Last time I’ve been to mine, I found a creepy version of myself playing with myself’s mind… or was it myself playing with me? Or the other way around… Don’t confuse me, Mad God. Get to the point.”
“Sheesh! Mortal, you are a lost cause yourself, ain’t ya? Fine, I guess you already know what you should do if you have been into one of those.”
“Yeah yeah, resolve the childhood fears and face the worst enemies and all that Jazz.”
“Jazz? Is it cheese?”
“Oh, would love to hear some.”
“Look forward to it after we are out.”
“Oh! The suspense is killing me. Or you… doesn’t matter. Solve this realm and send us home.” Sheogorath disappeared and reappeared once again, “Oh! Almost forgot, you gonna need this.”
Sheogorath passed a black strange looking staff towards me.
“The Wabbajack! Huh? Huh? Didn’t see that coming, did you? Now off with you… I’ll be busy doing the fishstick, it is a very delicate state of mind!”
And he disappeared again.
Sigh! That annoying runt of a mad god!
I used to like him back in the day when I played the game but meeting him in person put a huge burden on my mind.
That guy was supposed to be the Mad God of this Era, the protagonist of the former game that came before ‘Skyrim’, ‘TES IV: Oblivion’.
How did a player character become a Daedric Prince? Simple, he mantled the past Sheogorath.
The term [Mantling] refers to the process whereby a Mortal can achieve [Apotheosis]. It is frequently considered one of the [Six Walking Ways], the Fourth, and is sometimes called the Steps of the Dead. The [Mantling] was described by the Great Emperor Tiber Septim as; “walking like them until they must walk like you”. The meaning of this is that the protagonist of ‘Oblivion’ followed a certain set of quests and rituals guided by Sheogorath to ascend as Immortal by taking Sheogorath’s place and becoming him. This doesn’t mean that the Hero of Kvatch is alive but he just became a part of the Mad God.
And why would a ‘Hero’ do such a thing to begin with?
Well, here comes the part where I explain the reason why I didn’t mind going against Sheogorath and cuss at his face.
It is called [Fate].
Something very slimy granted by the will of the World. The World knows that something is going to happen in the future and assigns an individual known as the ‘Hero’ to face the disaster.
The Heroes are always protected and guided to meet their fateful encounters by [Fate] and here where it comes tricky. [Fate] can protect the Heroes from many things and that includes the Original Spirits known as Daedric Princes. Even though the princes are immortal and absolute, they will get hurt if they went against a Hero and that’s something they would rather avoid as they are not infinite and can be said as parts of the World itself.
Still, that same [Fate], that protects the Heroes, gets rid of them once their job is done. A Hero is a person that can cause great chaos with the mighty power they possess and the World can’t afford one of them going on a rampage without control. That is why there is almost nothing known about the Heroes once they were done with their quests. Fairy tales say that they found peace and left to live alone but that was never the case, a Hero’s journey always end with their demise victorious or defeated.
Most of the Protagonists of every Elder Scroll Game has an unknown end other than the [Nerevarine] who became immortal due to circumstances and left to Akavir while the [Hero of Kvatch] escaped such fate by mantling Sheogorath. I am not sure about the [Mantling] but I guess he is dead in a way and alive in another.
And guess whose turn is it?
Anyway… all that doesn’t mean I can go against Sheogorath or overdo it either, Sheogorath still can retaliate if he didn’t mind losing some fingers. But at least he won’t associate himself with me and I will keep a healthy relationship with the Demon of Madness. How ironic!
“Sigh! I swear all this tension will give this handsome young man some grey hair one day and I will look like that old man of mine. Can’t afford it, never!”
Waiting in the Throne room of New Sheoth Palace, Isha was going back and forth in wait. It has been a few hours since Jon has gone on his own with Haskill to meet Sheogorath but only Haskill returned and stood still beside the Throne.
This Labour that dragged her to the Isles of Madness was the strangest so far. A weird request from her ‘Prophet’, a knowledgeable and powerful ally, a dangerous trip to Oblivion and a Daedric Prince to top it all. She just wondered how long will her final Labour be. She has been calculating every move she made for the sake of the grand scheme of things but this was a truly wild ride that kept her in worry all the time.
While she was pondering back and forth, footsteps were heard from the direction Jon disappeared at. She held the [Spear of Bitter Mercy] tightly and her senses went up anticipating what may happen the next second.
From that direction, an old gentleman in a bizarre purple suit appeared while holding a cane. He seemed to be amused while walking and shaking his head. He walked past Isha quietly and then came to a halt.
“Oh! Isn’t that old friend Bitter Mercy? Haven’t seen that in a long time… bad times back then, good times too, three wannabes got the butts kicked by one and ran crying to an old pal of mine, there was also that time with the stag boy Hircine, Hahaha… should’ve seen the look on his faces when his beasts lost to mine. What else? Ugly people, crazy Khajiit and Acrobatics… mortals were so agile back then and they could fly as well… Ah! Where is Haskill? Oh, here he is… My friend other than friends I don’t be friends with! Good to see you, how was the place going?”
“The Isles missed you, my Lord. I’d say Dementia was brighter and Mania was gloomier until your arrival.”
“Oh! That bad? Good thing our mortal friend found me then.” Sheogorath said as he sat on the Throne.
Isha realized who was she in the presence of and a chill ran through her spine. Daedric Princes cause her to feel uneasy after a certain incident and now she is right in front of one.
What made the matter worse was a hand coming out of nowhere and patting her shoulder. Isha turned around in tension but Jon calmed her before she does a rough action in front of the Mad God, the rule that protected him was not applied on her.[A/n: I skipped the boring quest but of course Jon did it.]
“Ah, my little mortal friend. I’m a man of many personalities, but tell you what? They’re all very fond of you.”
“I doubt that for some reason.”
“Anyway… you can keep the Wabbajack, I will keep my staff and my fork. Oh right… Look Haskill! Forky’s back! It’s so nice to see him again!”
“Congratulations for return, my Lord. My heart quivers madly each time I remember the stabby pain caused by that Fork.” Haskill bowed in good manners.
“Oh! Such good times… let’s go hunt some baby Nagas with the fork after we are done.”
“I’ll make the preparations, my Lord.”
“Sorry to break the warm reunion but I am on a schedule here.” Jon interrupted.
“Oh, right. Haskill, how is El Diablo festival going on?”
“Very good, my Lord. We have a worthy candidate and a good chicken ready to lead the Kurkurs to the show.”
“Wonderful! Time for a celebration… Cheese for everyone!”
“Oh, right. The mortal here wants to snatch our El Diablo… what should we do, my Lord? Should I summon the torturer?”
“Ha! Good idea but it won’t work, this Mortal is too troublesome even for my standards. Let’s make a trade, Mortal. How about this? You do three things for me and you get your friend back, not demented or manic or even drunk.”
“No dirty schemes?”
“Just a little.”
“Fine, no dirty schemes.”
“I am listening.” Jon said.
“Well… let’s see. From what Haskill reported, you killed the Gatekeeper, make me a new one, a better one.” Sheogorath said in a madened tone.
“Will this one be alright?”
Jon took out something large out of the Cube. It was a giant bone samurai carrying a large crude blade.
“Oh! You were carrying one on you all along? Hmmm… not bad but, NO! This is too boney befitting of someone like Molag or Dagon. You should see them in parties, these two compete on which one can put bones on each other together. Sore losers, they always get done by Merida when she torches everything they make in a fit of anger. Hahahaha!”
“Wait… is that a Daedric Princes party or a kindergarten?”
“Bwahahaha! Good one, mortal.”
“So you want a new Gatekeeper. Fine, what else?”
“Hmmm… you said you invented a new kind of cheese. Looking forward to that one. And please, don’t show me that Hammerfellean Shrieking Cheese, I literally invented that for them.”
“Fine, but this cheese can’t be served alone, it gets added on another dish.”
“Wonderful! WONDERFUL! Eating, I love eating. My Daedric tummy is growling already.”
“Extra cheese for the Mad God, noted! What is the last thing?”
“Oh… I don’t know… surprise me for the last one. Never make it boring… remember? Not boring.”
“I got you. A new Gatekeeper, Extra Cheese and a something crazy enough to surprise the Mad God… tricky one.”
“Good! Now go, run, fly! Do the three tasks and I will let you have your friend back and a reward on top of that.”
Sheogorath waved and Jon sighed wryly tired of the foolery of Sheogorath.
“Fine. Let’s go Isha.” Jon turned around and signaled the dazed Isha to follow.
As the two went out, Sheogorath sat with a wide smile on his throne.
“Hahahahaha! This should be fun.”
“My Lord, that insolent adventurer, should we send him to Xedilian? The new upgrades and tortures tools will drive him insane before mercilessly butchering him.” Haskill said.
“Murdering him? Driving him insane? Haskill my dear, this is not good for business. Did you lose your senses or something of the sort?”
“Excuse me, my Lord?” Haskill was confused.
“Sheesh, the boy you saw just now was insane. Completely insane, mad, crazy and out of his mind, he was perfect, I loved him so much.”
“Insane?” Haskill was taken aback once again.
“Bwahaha! Too insane for you or even himself to not even notice! Now that’s a new one! How exciting! How wonderful! How marvelous! Let’s watch… and bring me cheese!”
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